Book Review: Fifty Shades Into Darkness
So over the past few years I've had the horrible realization that growing up and becoming an adult isn't worth it... sure you get a car and a job and you get to be included in grown-up conversations...but allow me to say how tedious it truly is. The thing I've learned about maturing is this...you finally understand what all those "Inside Jokes" are or the "You'll understand when you're older" means.
Unfortunately...this means that I've finally gotten to the age where I "do" understand....sadly.
Therefore, I decided to read my first ever "adult content novel", whilst keeping my dignity preserved.
*Warning Contains Adult Content!* (And Spoilers)
"The good are never easy
The easy never good
And love it never happens like you think it really should
Deception and perfection are wonderful traits
One will breed love
The other hate"*
If you weren't a million shades of red by the end of this-you must either be used to this sort of material or are extremely good at masking embarrassment. I've read fan-fiction that was better than this! But what can I say, this was originally a fan-fiction... which was a mash-up of Twilight and Star Trek, so I can't judge the quality of the writing, nor the actual plot of the book with this knowledge in mind.
Khan Noonien Singh is a lonely being, who is conveniently rich because of the mass marketing of his "Super-blood". Mass millionaire and several mistresses later, he meets the lovely but rather shy Marla McGivers who is a clumsy brunette (the reason for her hair colour change is purely for...reasons unexplained...) who is sent to interview the fantastically wealthy (yes, don't forget he is wealthy because that is repeated over and over...) Khan, because her friend, Karol Marcus (the 'C' in Karol was changed to a 'K' for... well...more unexplained reasons...), is dealing with the Kamaraazite flu and can't interview Khan.
Marla stumbles (yes, really) into Khan's office, which is upholstered in leather. Khan has a thing about leather coats as well as leather chairs and couches... he owns several leather companies...also in his office there is a gigantic window that covers the whole wall...because we all know that Khan needs to have a giant window with no privacy whatsoever. (It must remind him of that well spent time on the Enterprise.)
The interview between Marla and Khan is the best part of the book, here is a section of it:
Excerpt of Into Darkness:
I was blushing under his smoldering gaze, "Well Mr Singh...how do you feel being head of a lifesaving cooperation."
He lent back in his chair and said sardonically, "Well, frankly the nation needs to be careful that I don't develop AIDS, if not...well...things will be quite bad, won't they."
"Unfortunately, sir, with your blood and its ability to regenerate there is no way for you to acquire AIDS..." I replied.
"Well... lucky me." He said coolly, making me feel slightly uncomfortable but I continue, "You're very young to be so successful."
"Simple... I don't age." He replied amused.
"Oh..." the breath is strangled in my throat, I feel as though he has knocked me down with his intense look, "how did you convince so many people that you were a friend even after you destroyed a huge section of San Francisco?"
"It's all in knowing the right people and having good oration skills. When they discovered that my blood was- special...they gave me a small fine to pay, meaningless now that I am so wealthy and have my own corporation. What I'm trying to say is this: believing a lie is a million times easier than trying to believe the truth."
I haven't really been able to absorb everything he is saying, but I'm glad I've been recording this interview...because I'm going to listen to it over and over. A large beam of light shines into my eyes and briefly makes a purple line across Khan's throat.
"Where did that light come from?" I ask.
"I don't know, you tell me...I've transferred to six different offices in the last two years and I still can't get rid of these damn light flares." Khan says irritated.
I'm worried that I've made him angry somehow, so I ask the next question on my list, "Are you...alien?" Crap. Why did I ask that, Karol would've worded this better.
"Do you think that I would be like you simple human beings, I...........am......Khan....." he pauses dramatically before continuing, "I am....." he pauses again, "better."
"At what?"
"Everything....." His nose flared seductively, filling me with lust, like a caveman lusting for fire.
♦
You now have an insight of how truly intelligent, bright, funny and beautiful Marla is.
Alas, the author portrays her in a way that makes her less appealing than a four hundred year old root-beer lollipop on the floor of a doctor's office.
Not to mention the author's overuse of the word, "Crap" in this novel is very annoying.
Enough of the bad stuff, what about the good parts?
After the interview, Khan finds her again. Creepily stalking her to where she works, where he suggests that some pictures should go with her news article, which she agrees to wholeheartedly.
After the photo-shoot, they (Khan and Marla) go out for coffee. Then there is a very pointless scene where a cyclist(?) almost runs over Marla when she trips into the road(?) but not to worry because... Khan gets out a gun and shoots the man off the cycle(?) and is able to catch Marla before she falls...to a death which would have ended this novel and trilogy faster...an ending much less painful for the reader.
You may have noticed --> (?) these things...
1. A CYCLIST...that is the vaguest line ever. A motorcyclist or a cyclist...both go under the name cyclist.
2. "Trips into the road" Marla sounds like a walking, talking klutz! How did she live as long as she has?!
3. I think Khan overreacted a bit there... (*evil chuckle, but that adds to his mystery...eh?)
Moving along...they spend some time together, sharing pointless, meaningless dialogue which amounts to nothing...Marla goes to Khan's house which is made entirely out of glass with leather couches and dishes (dishes?!)...and engage in... what can I say...the writer... seems to have a deep knowledge of how aliens go about their intimate relationships...
Example:
He lifted the stun gun to my stomach and stunned me, one, two, three times in a row... I felt none of it, my heart was racing all the more, he then took my face between his hands and began to squeeze...
Obviously, there is no need to elaborate on why I found this part stupid.
Have I mentioned the dialogue was dry and stale, not to mention poor- all our character seems to think about is Khan, and it gets boring...385 pages later and we still can't stop lusting over Khan's hair. (Well...what happens when he goes BALD someday?...*Pauses dramatically*...or his hair might go rather...Grey...) I realise this is a book for an audience who is perhaps bored with their own love life, or simply haven't had a love life yet...but honestly, don't take dating advice from this book. It is in many, many ways like Twilight, at the end of the book we don't really know any of the characters...what was the attraction between Rotel and Eggwart? (Bella and Edward) I don't know what it was beyond a physical desire...same with Khan and McGivers...there is just nothing there beyond...lusty desire. (* I do not have a problem with lusty desire...the book just needs some good dialogue to liven things up a bit.*)
Here is just one example of the bad dialogue from the book, because whenever Khan's lines weren't recycled they were really stupid.
Example from the book:
He stared at me like I was a medium rare steak on a grill, steamy, mouthwatering, covered with eleven herbs and spices...I don't really know what kind of spice he saw on me, because I really am a simple, ordinary person.
"What?" I asked.
"Why don't you McGiver me some lovin'?!" He whispered
"Give me a reason..." I said blushing
"23-17-46-11" he smiled, then added, "15-42-67-84-99-22-12-18-....."
So while I'll try to forget this book as quickly as I can...in the meantime...I hope you enjoyed this review...join me next time with another, book, movie, or something that is in need of a real honest review.
What to eat and drink with this novel: Sugar Plum Tea (that stuff is, in my opinion,...icky...but that could be because that box of tea has been in our freezer for...how ever many years it has been in there), and probably the tea and the book will put you off so much you possibly won't have any desire for anything to eat.
What to wear while reading this novel: Nothing too hot, you'll be blushing enough that a homeless man could warm his hands off your cheeks in mid-December.
Where to read this novel: The bathroom.
What is the sequel to this novel?: Wrath of Khan, only I won't be joining you. Although I hear, Marla really Steels the show in that one.
Please know this review is meant as a comedy and not actually in any way related to- "Fifty Shades of Grey", for the following reasons: I do not read books like that. I do not write about books like that, (except to make fun of them). I do not want to read a book like that when there are so many other good books in the world to read. Allow me to elaborate, "Fifty Shades of Grey", might be your opinion of a good book, but it is not mine. So, this review is not meant to offend the author, or any of the fans of this series. And of course, I do not mean to break any copyrights...so...don't sue me, I just write cheap reviews. :)
*From Marina and the Diamonds song Homewrecker
